5 Tips for Showing Empathy
Cathie Leimbach • January 25, 2024
Human beings are emotional beings. At work as well as in our personal lives, it is important that we feel respected and noticed as a valuable human being. People feel most valued at work when they have a trusting and supportive relationship with their supervisor and their team members. This includes feeling empathy from others.
Whenever people are troubled, hurting, or dealing with serious problems, they want to feel that others understand what they are going through and are concerned for them. When we show interest and support for a colleague who is facing a tough situation, we are showing empathy. Yet, many find it uncomfortable to reach out to others when they are experiencing difficulties.
Keven Eikenberry offers 5 tips to increase one’s ability to show others that we are concerned for them and wish to understand their situation and their feelings.
- Lean In – Get close to the person by spending time together or verbally acknowledging you are aware of their tough situation and care about them.
- Listen – Ask how they are doing or how you could help them, and fully listen to their response. What are their words telling you about their situation? What feelings are they expressing? What is their tone of voice, volume, or talking speed telling you?
- Look – Focus your eyes on the other person. What are the facial expressions and other body language telling you about their current challenge and how it is impacting them?
- Let Go – Let go of your ideas about how they could handle their current situation. Don’t take over the sharing time, not even to share details of your similar experience and how you handled it. Help them feel heard. Focus completely on understanding them and their current reality.
- Learn – Really learn how the other person feels and how they are responding to their situation. Learn more about them as a person.
Ask questions to show you are interested in learning more. Ask how you could help them.
Once you have used these 5 tips of empathy, the other person will likely feel that you care. If, and only if, their words, tone, and body language show that you have good rapport, you could tell them in one sentence that you have experienced something similar and ask them if they would like you to share what helped you get through it. If they say no, then don’t share. The purpose of your conversation is to show empathy - help them see that you care about them, not for them to listen to you.
Who in your life is going through a tough time just now? When could you support them with the gift of empathy so they know someone cares about them?
"I thought you knew I appreciated your work." Kate hadn't planned to say those words in a one-to-one. But when a team member told her, "I'm never quite sure whether you think I'm doing a good job," she was caught off guard. He was someone she relied on. He helped new colleagues settle in, handled difficult customers calmly, and often spotted problems before they got bigger. Of course she valued him. Then she tried to remember the last time she'd told him, and what she'd actually said. There was a quick "Thanks, everyone" at the end of a meeting. A "Great work" in a team email. But she couldn't recall ever telling him what she had noticed about his contribution. Kate had been worried about rising absences and a team that seemed less involved. Praise wouldn't explain or fix every issue. Still, this conversation raised a question she hadn't considered: how many people on her team were feeling their efforts weren’t noticed or appreciated? It's easy to assume people know we appreciate them, especially the ones who quietly get on with the job. We turn our attention to whatever needs fixing, and we don’t acknowledge the people who are doing good work. Meanwhile, people who never receive thanks start to wonder if they are noticed, pull back, stop offering their ideas, and start job hunting elsewhere. Try this week: Look for one contribution each person on your team is making . Tell them what you notice about their work and why it matters. Instead of simply saying, "Good job," try: "Thanks for staying ten minutes past shift change to walk Jamie through the new changeover on Line 3. She now knows exactly what to do instead of guessing." Three elements of meaningful praise are: Be specific. Name what they did and the effect it had. Keep it natural and proportionate. A quiet word can mean a lot. Recognition doesn’t have to be in front of the whole team. Let it stand on its own. Don’t add a "but" or a new request right after the positive feedback. Sincere, specific praise helps people feel seen. It builds rapport because you're showing you notice how they contribute, not just whether the task got done. And people are more likely to speak up and share ideas when they feel heard and connected to the people they work with. Conversation is Where Leadership Happens™ How often does your appreciation go unspoken? Join our Workplace Conversations Clinic on October 19, 3:00 to 3:30 PM, live on Zoom. You'll practice giving praise that feels natural and helps people feel valued. You'll also have the chance to practice other difficult workplace conversations, from raising concerns to working through disagreements. Reserve your place here!
“All good,” they said. But Sarah wasn’t so sure. In the team meeting, just two people did most of the talking. Team members who once offered ideas just waited for the meeting to end. Three people called in 'sick' on the day of our monthly planning and progress-review meeting. Today was just another day with her disengaged team. Sarah realized that whenever she asked others how things were going, she got the same response: “All good.” It never failed that within a day or two of what seemed like positive feedback, a problem surfaced. It might be that they didn't know how to proceed with a new project. Or they were trying to hide a mistake they made. Things definitely were not "All Good". Then, she thought about the questions she usually asked. “Everything on track?” “Will that be ready by Friday?” She wanted to know how her people were progressing with their work. But she had asked closed-ended questions, so she got brief responses that told her nothing. At her next one-to-one, she asked, “How have things been for you lately?” “Fine. Busy.” She almost moved on. But, instead, she dug a bit deeper. “What’s been making things especially busy?” This time, the answer was different. There were competing demands she hadn’t known about. A concern that had gone unspoken. And a feeling that nobody really talked anymore unless they needed help with something urgent. This one conversation provided important information. It gave her a place to start moving forward to improve engagement and results. If you can relate to Sarah's struggles, here are some tips to help you stay on top of how your employees' work is truly going. Absenteeism and disengagement can have many causes. We can't begin to understand them by accepting thoughtless answers. We need to create an environment where people feel comfortable sharing what’s really happening. Interpersonal rapport is essential. It grows through small moments: asking a thoughtful question, listening without rushing to solve a concern, remembering what someone said, and checking back. This week, try asking a couple of specific open-ended questions such as: “What’s been going well for you?" And "What’s been difficult?” Let the answers guide your next questions. Give the person room to share. Then, a few days later, follow up. “You mentioned the client report deadline was going to be hard to meet. How’s it going?” Then, "What help do you need?" When you take a few minutes for such check-ins, employees feel more supported than if you just ask, “How are you?”, as you are walking by. It indicates: I heard your concern. I remembered. I’m interested. I want you to succeed. Your team members are more likely to get involved, be honest with you, and share ideas when they feel heard and connected to the people they work with. Want to get more comfortable starting those conversations? Join our Workplace Conversations Clinic on October 19 to practice building interpersonal rapport through conversations that matter. Reserve your place → [registration link]
